Kerri’s Awesome ‘Blog

This is a post for you Sam Let's hope that a glut of overdue stories will keep you occupied while waiting for the tardy one.

The period of my pregnancy from about 34 weeks onwards, I called 'The Blah Period'.

I was tired, looked and felt like a sack of crap and just wanted the damned thing OUT!

My first baby, the gorgeous Sooz, had given me no trouble through the pregnancy. No heartburn, no morning sickness. She did, however, have the habit of sticking a foot under my ribcage and giving an almighty shove.

I digress... Susan was due February 27. I had seen my Obstet that week and he informed me all was well, and as I was 4cm dilated it would be any time now. "Pack your bag" he said.

*ahem*

After two weeks, two more Obstet visits and two more suggestions that I pack my bag, he booked me in for induction the following day "Just in case you don't blow tonight" were his exact words (23 years on and I still remember the words!)

Next morning I dragged my sleepless, sorry and literally aching ass out of bed, showered, woke up Limo Driver and we made our way to the hospital. I was BURSTING for a cup of tea, but wasn't allowed one, so the morning was already off to a bad start, I not only had a sore ass, but I was in a FOUL mood!

In those days they gave me no idea what to expect from an induction, so I was flying blind.

I arrived at 7:30am and sat and sat until 9:30 when they inserted the drip. Every ten minutes or so they would come in with an expectant look. I gave them a blank look back "what?". What are they expecting from me? What is supposed to be happening?

At 11:30 still nothing, and still no cup of tea. I was frothing at the mouth. Am I ok? Is everything going to plan? Where is my doctor? I haven't seen him yet and assume he is playing a quick 9 holes at the local golf course.

12:00 midday and Midwife Extraodinaire comes in and says they are going to break my waters. "Awesome" I think, they are finally going to do something. I am taken into a delivery room and look in horror at 'the crochet hook'. "You're going to do WHAT? With THAT?"

Luckily for them, it was completely painless, though the memory of the device still makes me shudder.

The deed was done and again we have to wait... but for only about 2 minutes, when I get my first contraction. An ALMIGHTY contraction. I am taken back to the waiting room, as it is still 'going to take some time'. *snort*

Still no doctor - must have been a quick 18 holes.

Limo Driver is timing my contractions from that stage on. Second contraction is 3 minutes later. 3rd is 2 minutes later. 4th, 5th and 6th, all two minutes apart.

Limo Driver decides to speak to Midwife Extraordinaire. "No, that can't be right, it's her first and it's going to be a long time yet". We had been dismissed. *shrug*

So, taking her at her word, we continued to keep time of the contractions. Maybe these weren't contractions? Maybe I had the flu! That's it, I had the flu! A painfully regular flu!

Where is my doctor?

12:30pm The flu is now at one minute intervals. Still no doctor. Midwife Extraordinaire comes in at Limo Driver's insistance and takes me to the examination room, where BINGO! she realises I am fully dilated and about to drop a VERY large bundle on her nice clean floor!

"Oh" she says "I should call your doctor". She hadn't called him yet?

12:40 After approximately 20 contractions (or so) I ask "how long is this going to go on for?" Midwife Extraordinaire rolls her eyes and informs me that the average time is around 10 hours. I had been in labour for a grand total of 40 minutes and had already had enough. "Fine, that's it, I'm outta here! Childbirth is cancelled!"

I glared at Limo Driver who had put me in this predicament in the first place and barked at him to take me home.

Midwife Extraordinaire was desperately trying to pin my legs to the bed to keep me from climbing off, telling me I was going nowhere as she needed to check my progress.

She looked

Looked again

Limo Driver looked.

Limo Driver almost fainted.

I was crowning.

WHERE IS MY DOCTOR???? 36 quick holes perhaps?

Sooz, though in no rush to leave her comfy spot, was not pleased that her safe abode had been forcibly crumbled. She was now making a SPEEDY exit!

Three times in my life I have been pleased when someone throws the 'childbearing hips' line in my direction. Each of those times was in Labour Ward.

Sooz was born at 12:48pm March 14. At 9lb 10oz, she was long, fat and screaming hungry. 10 fingers, ten toes, two beautiful big blue eyes and a head of blonde ringlets from the day she was born.

Oh.... and I forgot my bag! Heh

So, where was my Maternal Instinct? Another story, maybe for another time.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 28th, 2008 at 3:43 pm and is filed under Kids, Superwoman, Morons. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.