Kerri’s Awesome ‘Blog

I keep hearing about this phenomenon, but find it hard to grasp.

Do other people's kids leave home?

Mine have been hanging around for 20 years and more and I'm still waiting for them to break the *choke* dreadful news that they are going to move out.

Don't get me wrong, I adore my kids. It's just that they're messy little bastards and it doesn't get better with age.

For those following along, you know that we are trying to sell our house. It is on the market now. The photographer came last Monday so we have great photos for the advertising campaign.

I have paid my $40.00 to our local council to get the "149 Planning Certificate", which sounds terribly official, but all it does is give us permission to sell our house. Great little income rort there Rockdale Council!

The Solicitor is revved up and ready to go.

The Hawaiian and I have the house looking like a dream home.......

Then the kids come home.

Why is it that children/teenagers/young adults always explode all over the house when they get home? Is this only a problem at my place, or is it some sort of epidemic that I can blame some other bastard for? Who did this to my kids? It certainly isn't MY fault, my kids have been brung up proper like! *smirk*

Ok, so Im a slob too, their father was a slob, and The Hawaiian is one too. It's a little unfair of me to demand perfection from the kids when I can't lead by example.

There are so many more important things to do than housework. Like playing on the internet, blogging, chatting, having a mani and a pedi, shoe and bag shopping.... the list goes on and on.

So if you want to buy my house, don't try and come over to look at it without at least a half day's notice, preferrably a full day. Best option for us is for you to just buy it from the photos.

Then we can get outta here and leave the damned kids in the empty nest! *evil grin*

This is a post for you Sam Let's hope that a glut of overdue stories will keep you occupied while waiting for the tardy one.

The period of my pregnancy from about 34 weeks onwards, I called 'The Blah Period'.

I was tired, looked and felt like a sack of crap and just wanted the damned thing OUT!

My first baby, the gorgeous Sooz, had given me no trouble through the pregnancy. No heartburn, no morning sickness. She did, however, have the habit of sticking a foot under my ribcage and giving an almighty shove.

I digress... Susan was due February 27. I had seen my Obstet that week and he informed me all was well, and as I was 4cm dilated it would be any time now. "Pack your bag" he said.

*ahem*

After two weeks, two more Obstet visits and two more suggestions that I pack my bag, he booked me in for induction the following day "Just in case you don't blow tonight" were his exact words (23 years on and I still remember the words!)

Next morning I dragged my sleepless, sorry and literally aching ass out of bed, showered, woke up Limo Driver and we made our way to the hospital. I was BURSTING for a cup of tea, but wasn't allowed one, so the morning was already off to a bad start, I not only had a sore ass, but I was in a FOUL mood!

In those days they gave me no idea what to expect from an induction, so I was flying blind.

I arrived at 7:30am and sat and sat until 9:30 when they inserted the drip. Every ten minutes or so they would come in with an expectant look. I gave them a blank look back "what?". What are they expecting from me? What is supposed to be happening?

At 11:30 still nothing, and still no cup of tea. I was frothing at the mouth. Am I ok? Is everything going to plan? Where is my doctor? I haven't seen him yet and assume he is playing a quick 9 holes at the local golf course.

12:00 midday and Midwife Extraodinaire comes in and says they are going to break my waters. "Awesome" I think, they are finally going to do something. I am taken into a delivery room and look in horror at 'the crochet hook'. "You're going to do WHAT? With THAT?"

Luckily for them, it was completely painless, though the memory of the device still makes me shudder.

The deed was done and again we have to wait... but for only about 2 minutes, when I get my first contraction. An ALMIGHTY contraction. I am taken back to the waiting room, as it is still 'going to take some time'. *snort*

Still no doctor - must have been a quick 18 holes.

Limo Driver is timing my contractions from that stage on. Second contraction is 3 minutes later. 3rd is 2 minutes later. 4th, 5th and 6th, all two minutes apart.

Limo Driver decides to speak to Midwife Extraordinaire. "No, that can't be right, it's her first and it's going to be a long time yet". We had been dismissed. *shrug*

So, taking her at her word, we continued to keep time of the contractions. Maybe these weren't contractions? Maybe I had the flu! That's it, I had the flu! A painfully regular flu!

Where is my doctor?

12:30pm The flu is now at one minute intervals. Still no doctor. Midwife Extraordinaire comes in at Limo Driver's insistance and takes me to the examination room, where BINGO! she realises I am fully dilated and about to drop a VERY large bundle on her nice clean floor!

"Oh" she says "I should call your doctor". She hadn't called him yet?

12:40 After approximately 20 contractions (or so) I ask "how long is this going to go on for?" Midwife Extraordinaire rolls her eyes and informs me that the average time is around 10 hours. I had been in labour for a grand total of 40 minutes and had already had enough. "Fine, that's it, I'm outta here! Childbirth is cancelled!"

I glared at Limo Driver who had put me in this predicament in the first place and barked at him to take me home.

Midwife Extraordinaire was desperately trying to pin my legs to the bed to keep me from climbing off, telling me I was going nowhere as she needed to check my progress.

She looked

Looked again

Limo Driver looked.

Limo Driver almost fainted.

I was crowning.

WHERE IS MY DOCTOR???? 36 quick holes perhaps?

Sooz, though in no rush to leave her comfy spot, was not pleased that her safe abode had been forcibly crumbled. She was now making a SPEEDY exit!

Three times in my life I have been pleased when someone throws the 'childbearing hips' line in my direction. Each of those times was in Labour Ward.

Sooz was born at 12:48pm March 14. At 9lb 10oz, she was long, fat and screaming hungry. 10 fingers, ten toes, two beautiful big blue eyes and a head of blonde ringlets from the day she was born.

Oh.... and I forgot my bag! Heh

So, where was my Maternal Instinct? Another story, maybe for another time.

In 40 minutes I leave to take my 20yr old baby girl for her driving test. She is the last of the gaggle to have to attempt this and I should be used to it by now, but my guts are in knots.

Yes, this is her on holidays with us in Hawaii, Christmas 2001. She always has been, and always will be, a great big dag!

She also has her medical for her potential new job this afternoon. The job of her dreams is riding on this medical, so it's a pretty big deal . Lets hope all the party drugs are out of her system by now! *rolling eyes*

It's ridiculous how your childrens' lives can physically affect your well being.

I'm seriously a heap right now!

Xbox4nappyrash and ET, are you SURE you want to put yourselves through this? It sucks.... BIG time!

We are on to the last room in the house and I have two fabulously ripped workmen in to get it finished.

OK, they are two cute boys I roped in from the street. OK, OK, they are my son and his mate (the one who wrote of his car by driving it into a roof - its possible, trust me!)

So, these two have been working on the room all afternoon, beers in hand, and a few games of World of Warcraft to fill in the drying time. We should have the room done tonight, with just the trim left for me to finish over the next couple of days.

I cant wait to get it set up as an office for 4fthawaiian so he can be happier at work. At the moment he is stuck in the bedroom all day and night. Not good for the morale.

The colour you see around the edges is a deep slate blue, this is currently being filled in :). We did another room the same colour, and it looks amazing.

Hopefully, the house will be on the market next week! WOO HOO!

Oh, please note the fabulous yellow scaffold in the background. We were going to hire scaffolding when we started painting as the ceilings are so high, however decided to buy one as we needed it for such a long time. It's been the best investment we ever made! TIP: if you are doing a lot of renovations, invest in a scaffold!

LIVE UPDATE! 10:00pm

1st coat is on and waiting to dry, so more World of Warcraft and more beer!

I have always taught my kids to be who they are and not to bend to peer pressure.

I think I went too far. They took me seriously and now my 23yr old daughter is happily listening to Britney, at full blast so all the neighbours can hear!

Doesn't she know we have a reputation to uphold? We of the backyard parties complete with live club DJ mixing his own shit?

If this get out, we're fucked!

No officer, we are NOT playing Britney.... it's those wankers next door. The ones with the lifesize Flamingoes in their front yard. Yes, yes they do deserve to die, I agree.

*weeping uncontrollably* We are SO fucked!

Its been the celebration season around here this month. We've had two birthdays, an anniversary and Easter.

It's been hard work for the poor kids who have to party all night long and come home to bacon and eggs at 6 in the morning..... dragging all their friends whose parents arent so gullible.

These are my kids

Gorgeous, huh?

These are my kids after a few drinks

Yes... they're 'special'.